Jack Bogle recently gave a speech to a bunch of people from Yale with a lot of dough explaining why he is kicking Wall Street in the ass, firmly and repeatedly. Which is actually kind of odd, since he's probably talking to the people who are getting the ass-whoopin'. (Go figure.)
The speech was titled, "Why Do I Bother To Battle?" It got me to thinking as to why I bother to battle with the Bogleheads.
The following is a parody of Bogle's speech. In order to actually understand the parody, you probably have to at least glance at the transcript of Bogle's speech, because my top 10 list tracks Bogle's. Otherwise, the parody isn't funny. Come to think of it, the parody probably isn't funny in any event. Come to think of it even more, no one will probably ever read this damn thing except me, and about 10 other people, and 8 of them think I am either the devil, or Dan Wiener, or maybe both.
Here's a link to St. Jack's speech titled Why do I Bother to Battle. Read it if you are having trouble sleeping. Without further ado...
"Why do I Bother To Battle Bogleheads"
Remarks by Petrocelli
Annoying Internet Poster
At the Wasco State Men's Prison Singles Mixer
Wasco, California
December 13, 2007
With the television writers on strike, I'll try to ease your ache for for the David Letterman Show by giving my ten reasons for "Why do I bother to Battle?" (The strike matters not to me: I've always been my own writer. Which explains why Bogle and I both use terms like "matters not" rather than "doesn't matter". It makes me sound like one of those guys from England in the 1700s. Although nobody has written like this since Melville.)
10. Damned if I know why I bother to battle. I just do it, and I don't know how to stop. I just getting in an exchange with Andy on Dan Wiener and, next thing you know, my fantasy basketball team goes to hell.
9. Because in all my 50 years of life, I have never done anything but battle. Actually, that's probably a bit of an overstatement. Most of the time, I was lying around without a job, drunk, playing the Beatles' Revolution Number 9 backwards to find out whether Paul was dead. However, it does take a lot of effort to spin a turntable backwards at the right speed.
8. Because the great battlers of history have always been my heroes. Think Martha Stewart. Think Britney Spears. Think Al Capone. Heck, think Dan Wiener.
7. Because all the battlers finally lost their battles. Except Dan Wiener, who has a nice summer home on Cape Cod. Actually, Martha didn't do badly either, and Britney's finally lost some weight and grew her hair back, and would be OK if she just would get a damn car seat for her kid. In fact, she's pretty hot now, and drunk most of the time. OK. Never mind number 7.
6. Because on the Diehards forum, no one else is battling to point out how truly odd it is that a group of people who obsess over low costs spend thousands of dollars to fly all over the country to hear people tell them not to spend money. Someone's got to do it, by the process of elimination, I got the job, although bilperk is helping me out a lot these days.
5. Because when the battler stands pretty much alone, he draws a lot more attention to himself. If you have a large ego (like Jack Bogle and me), that's a nice extra dividend. Especially because those who are outside the system -- our 'man on the street investors', exemplified by the Bogleheads of the internet who are at this very moment eating an early bird special and stealing sugar packets from the table on the way out -- give me strength to carry on.
4. Sad to say, I no longer play squash, and playing golf on 'grown up courses' is now out of the question because I keep hitting balls over the fence, and I pretty much suck at golf. So what else could I do but take those old athletic battles to the Bogleheads.
3. Because what I'm battling for -- building our Diehards forum anew to give posters a fair shake -- is right. Mathematically right. Philosophically right. Ethically right. Hell, M* Darrin may even get a bonus.
2. Because even when I battle, I love the give and take, the competition, and the challenge of my field. I love it when Sunny writes one of those posts that make a calculus textbook look like the Hustler magazine joke page. I love it when Adrian calls for my banning, although I'd wish he'd quit calling the SEC. In fact, I'd bet the SEC wishes he'd stop calling. And it does kind of suck when the Bogleheads call my office. Actually, forget number 2 too.
1. Simply because I'm a battler by nature -- born, bred and raised to make my own way in life. Actually, my parents took care of me until I was about 35. But I really didn't need it. Really. I am very self-sufficient.
This lovely evening is now over for me. Let's dim the lights for slow-dancing to an oldie -- Chicago's Color My World. It's men's choice. Wait. You're all men. Damn.